i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
