I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
ok first of all what the fuck
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
