God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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