I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
