WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
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