Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
