Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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