If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
