yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
