my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
