Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
