She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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