i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
