i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
