hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
