Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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