Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
