Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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