Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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