can we get nightvision for the apartment?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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