What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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