It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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