I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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