All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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