Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Hippo gnu deer
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
