I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
