Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
