I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
