Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
