If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
