I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
