bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
