i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
