I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
