Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
