Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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