she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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