Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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