I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
