Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
