my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
