when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I can tuck mytits in my pants
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
