I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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