you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
