I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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