i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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