Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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