I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
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a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
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It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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