i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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