can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
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Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
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I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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