Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
