Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
