Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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