when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
