Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You took a bar mat shot.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
