last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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