I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
