My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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