Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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