i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize