Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
