Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
