And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
